|photo by my talented friend, Katherine Klein!|
I LOVE the day to day of caring for Beau. I love his little belly laugh and I get excited for his dirty diapers because I know that means his body is functioning properly. (That statement might be the ultimate in crazy, but it's true!) I feel like my days fly by when I'm living in the rhythm of Beau eating every few hours, with his nap times and wake times. I constantly refer to myself as "Beau's mama" but at the same time, in my core, it feels surreal that I would actually be a mom. I'm not sure what's missing, or when it will set in. Maybe I just need time. Maybe it's because I'm not defining myself 100% by this new role that I'll have for the rest of my days. I don't know. It seems bizarre to be absolutely obsessed with an idea that I'm living but don't necessarily feel. I don't think anything is a lost puzzle piece, I think it might just take time to fully comprehend this joy that the Lord has brought into my life.
2. Everything about my heart is softer.
I've cried about 80% of the time Beau has spent giggling. I know this will probably slow down, but when my boy laughs I'm so proud and so happy that he's enjoying his little life so far. I've cried at Fixer Upper reveals because I'm just so thrilled that those families have places to enjoy and rest. Hormones, maybe? I just think that the reality of caring for my own little human makes me a lot more aware of the emotions in the world.
3. Sometimes the amount of Responsibility makes me feel sick.
Getting raw with y'all. I've noted that I love every second of caring for Beau. Sometimes when I think about the reality that if I left him somewhere, he'd be on his own, it makes me feel almost physically nauseous. I know this is because I can't stand the idea of anything bad happening to my boy, but it's just so insane the amount of responsibility that you're entrusted with as a parent. I can be transparent with y'all when I need to, but not a single time have I been annoyed with the reality of feeding Beau every three hours during the day every day for the last four months.. but when I think about how many times I've done it, it's overwhelming. I think that a lot of times before parenthood these things seem daunting but once you have met your baby, you have no other choice in your soul but to care for this child.
4. I still can't believe I know my son.
My whole life I had wondered what the makeup of my family would look like. Would I have a boy or a girl first? And once Ben and I got married, I wondered what our children would look like. AND NOW I KNOW. It's so crazy to me that I know the face of my sweet baby. I've memorized his features for life and I can't believe it. I truly love this little boy more than I could have ever prepared myself for.
Does that make sense? Like when I reflected on how Beau has changed my feelings of self worth, I feel like I can't articulate well what I'm feeling. I'm glad to record it though, thank y'all for allowing me to do so. :)